I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
