He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
