why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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