I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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