he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
