I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
