Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
