Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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