Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
