I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
