I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
