I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
