So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
