i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
