Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
