Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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