what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
