I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
