Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
40s are totally the cure
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
