You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
