i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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