I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
