I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
