Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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