I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
