Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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