My liver just broke up with me...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
