i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
