We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
