dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
