Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
