I want to make a zoo with you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
