I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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