so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
