I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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