Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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