I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
