I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
