There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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