No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
