I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
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Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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