I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
