Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
