life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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