I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you had me at cake vodka
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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