He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sarcasm needs its own font
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
