My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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