I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
