Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
