Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
