we have pet lesbian snakes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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