We won't sleep together?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
