at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
