also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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