I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
