phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
