I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
